Motherhood is daunting! This month especially for me. I have been flooded with such soppy, joyful, heartache these last couple of weeks. Like an ugly, mascara smearing, snot dripping, air gulping, lumps in my throat, puffy eyed sob fest!!! Never have I ever experienced so much emotion in my life! Motherhood is responsible for this concauction of feelings and emotions….
It started with me and Rory returning from our trip to Arizona. (Which was a BEAUTIFUL adventure by the way) But I knew what would be waiting for me when I returned… See, since I knew of his sweet existence he has always been so close to me, especially at night. Literally from the belly to a bassinet 6 1/2 inches from where I lay my head. Even while in Arizona, he slept RIGHT next to me in his own little bed. This is just what I preferred. Well… when he and I returned I knew it was time for him to sleep in his crib in his nursery. A beautiful, cozy little room right across from Matt and I’s bedroom, just a few feet away. I thought this might be an easy transition….. maybe. WRONG! I starred at a little empty bassinet by my side of the bed and cried…. and then cried some more. I was drowning in memories of swaddling him snuggly and laying his sweet little body down in a safe little bed so close to me night after night. He was so close to me I could hear his little breaths and snorts during the night and his little whimpers when he wanted to eat. He was the first smile I would see everyday for 6 months.
The first week in his crib was rough! Rough on my heart and on my nights sleep (Ha! What nights sleep?!) I was having nightmares and anxiety of him being in his own room. In fact the second night he slept in his nursery I snapped a little. My husband was only doing what he is trained to do in his line of work and it was relayed on me. He is trained being a firefighter, no matter the situation or outcome you stay calm. Well, we were watching Rory on the monitor, adjusting to his new bed, when he started to cry. He was rolling and reaching and inching around his new space, fussing. With all that wiggling he was doing he bumped his head on the crib. My reaction? “You get your butt moving to that little baby as quickly as possible and you cuddle that little guy!” Maybe my composure was a little frantic and panicked, so my husband caught my hand and said,”wait.” He was trying to prevent me from going to him in a frantic and emotional state of panic. I TOTALLY understand where he was coming from now. Buuuuut during the time, in that moment though… I saw red! I was on a very instinctual mission to kiss on my crying little bear and I felt prevented from doing so. So yes, I snapped. My husband definitely did not deserve to be snapped at… but it definitely happened. Thankfully later in the evening we discussed the situation. Both fully understanding each others reaction. My defense was, “Ya don’t stop a Mama Bear from going to their cub!” I am honestly a little afraid… if it had been anyone else beside my husband stopping me… I don’t know what I would have done but probably wouldn’t have been good. This is why I very much accociate myself with being a, “Mama Bear.” After all, it’s not called, “Mama Butterfly” and I’m not! There is nothing delicate or dainty about being a mother to me. You don’t have to be a bull in a china shop, you can very much be tactful and gentle, but a Mama Bears love is solid and fierce and of course protective. Over the last 6 months I feel as though I have developed this confidence that I never possessed in my life before Rory…he is most definitely my little bear and I would go to the ends of the earth for him! As for now though, I am still just adjusting to him not sleeping in our room anymore…. his bassinet still stays… but I have been using it to hold clean unfolded laundry…..